In ‘No’ man’s land, there’s time to rest: Life Hacks by Charles Assisi

Towards the end of 2023, I put a much-delayed personal project into motion. I decided to practise saying “No”.

Declining a request has never come naturally to me. It has often just felt “wrong”. But I’ve been told that this is a foolish way to engage with the world, because if I don’t prioritise myself, who will?

While I could hear the merit in that argument, the truth is, I just couldn’t do it. Not that I hadn’t experimented with the approach. I knew how useful it could be. A key issue I faced was that I caved in the face of sob stories.
What was needed, I realised, was practice. At first, it was terrifying. Each time I said no, a twinge of guilt, or worse still, the dread of offending the other person, took hold.
I remember the first such “No” vividly. A friend asked me to take on some more assignments for a committee we are both on. While it’s a cause I care about deeply, and one that matters much to my future, the fact is that I was already stretched thin. As I politely declined, my heart raced. And then something incredible happened… the world kept turning. It moved on, and my friend leaned over to ask someone else at the table if they could take on the tasks.
It hit home that I am not indispensable; and that realisation was truly liberating.
Why did it take me until now to do this? Why, in fact, is this such a universal struggle? Well, we all want to fit in. Survival once depended on being part of a group. We are a species that has survived on its ability to pull together. We still see these pulls at play. I see it in my teenagers, who do things they wouldn’t otherwise do, to fit in with their peers.
Add to this the current culture of “busyness” and the result is that millions feel compelled to deny themselves rest and leisure, sanity and evenings with loved ones, all because the fear of being seen as uncooperative has become so paralysing, that saying “No” can feel like failure.
And yet, over time, as I practise this skill — refusing work that I should not try to accommodate and events that I cannot attend — I can see only positive shifts. Time has opened up for things that matter, such as family, health and hobbies. Setting boundaries is allowing me to prioritise far better. Even my productivity levels have risen.
The most liberating thing is realising that “No” really can be a complete sentence. I don’t need lengthy excuses or justifications. A simple, “I’m sorry, I can’t commit to that right now,” is generally enough. People respect the honesty.
Of course, it is a balance. I am still saying “Yes” a lot, as one must. But even there, it is a more considered yes, that comes with an understanding of the implications on my time and energy. Sometimes, it’s not a yes or no but a negotiation. “I can’t do this, but how about that?” works far better than I would have thought.
Now, it’s a matter of staying on this path of conscious choices. Because, when thought about, every “No” we say to something, is a “Yes” to something else: rest, creativity, self-care, time for others.
I share this with you because I know I am not the only one battling this demon. We don’t have to continue glorifying busyness and treating overcommitment as a badge of honour. There is another way.
So, as January draws to a close and you jettison the resolutions you knew would fall away by this time, consider adding this one. You deserve to be able to say “No” when it is warranted. We all do.
(Charles Assisi is co-founder at Founding Fuel & co-author of The Aadhaar Effect)